The Art of Saying No

The anxiety I had before retirement was baffling.  How could I feel so uneasy about my impending lifestyle of leisurely lunches, travel, and “do what I want” days?  With a little bit of soul searching, I realized that the answer was pretty simple - I was addicted to busy.  It made sense - my grandmother was addicted to busy, my mother was addicted to busy, it became clear that I too was addicted to busy.  

My Type A, perfectionist, workaholic, overachiever personality was rewarded throughout my career which fueled more of the same.  I was able to successfully master the role of Career Supermom and multitask like no other.  After my kids were older and became more independent, I simply took on more responsibility at work.  It was a lifestyle that I had become comfortable with and thrived on.  My impending retirement seemed like such a foreign entity.  Was I going to be happy with this new lifestyle of much less busy?  

Like most retirees who are also addicted to busy, Day 1 of retirement I filled up my calendar with loads of activity, my datebook not looking a whole lot different than it did when I was working.  Now after almost two years of retired busy, I relish the days I have absolutely nothing on my calendar.   

Being busy, especially in retirement, is key to keeping your mind and body healthy.  But being too busy can have an adverse effect.  Whereas in our earlier years, many of us could multitask with ease, it now can cause inattention and mistakes can happen.  Many of us thrived on busyness in our earlier years, but now too much activity can create undo stress.  So how do we know when too much is too much?

Some signs you might be too busy:  

You're thoughts are in disarray.  Since you are thinking of too many things, you can become forgetful and have difficulty sleeping.

Non-essentials take over essentials.  For instance, your home upkeep suffers because you are traveling too much or your social calendar keeps pushing back your doctor appointments.

Your home is a mess - laundry is piling up, projects or tasks are unfinished, paperwork needs to be filed.

You lose track of everyone else’s life because you are so focused on your own like forgetting your friend’s birthday, forgetting to ask your friend about his/her recent trip, or forgetting to call your grandson or granddaughter about an important event in their life.  

Not taking care of yourself - paying attention to exercise, healthy eating, and time to yourself is vital.

Unorganization - an over scheduled life makes it nearly impossible to be organized.

Once we start saying yes to everything we become immune to saying no.  Research from the University of California in San Francisco shows that the more difficulty we have to saying no, the more likely we are to experience stress, burnout and depression.  Want to scale back a bit? Here are some strategies to saying no:

Think about what saying yes will mean.  Many times, saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else.  If saying yes to an out-of-town trip means missing your grandson’s birthday party, is that going to cause stress or even resentment?

Fight impulsivity.  Instead of saying yes right away, think about your answer.  Take time to sit back, look at your schedule and think about the time commitment.  

Don’t be afraid of FOMO (fear of missing out).  Telling your friend you cannot meet for lunch does not mean that you will not be asked again.  Also, you can always offer an alternative date.  

Remember - you don’t need a reason for saying no.  Sometimes you need to say no just because you need to breathe.  Your calendar doesn’t have to be full all of the time.  If you're retired, you should not have to be “squeezing in” events and commitments.   

Try this - say yes to saying no.