Nursing home? Assisted living? Caregiver? As our parents age, they become a fall risk, get lonely, bored, and forgetful. When they give up their driver’s license (for one reason or another) isolation sets in. As their health starts to decline, getting through the day becomes daunting and before long, we have to come to the realization that living alone is no longer an option for them. The dread and guilt of our parent moving to assisted living or a nursing home is something many adult children experience. We feel as though we have abandoned them, leaving them to feel lonely, scared, or deserted. Parents dig in their heels, adamant that they can safely stay in their home. The perception of “putting” our parent somewhere is the center of this problem, causing a harmful mindset. This is why we need to change our thinking.
Even as our aging parents struggle with performing daily activities and/or loneliness, they fight making those lifestyle changes that might threaten any part of losing some independence. Although they may be unable to safely care for themselves, they are still people with opinions and desires that still matter. Age doesn’t rob them of the right to make decisions about their life. Although we, as their children, are eventually going to be the final decision makers, the transition can be a more positive experience if we shift our thinking from “putting our parent somewhere” to finding the best option for the entire family.
As my dad became increasingly isolated, especially in the midst of the pandemic, and began struggling more and more with balance and just plain boredom, we started discussing options that would make his life not only safer but also more fulfilling - just happier and more interesting. We specifically talked about how assisted living and supportive care communities offer activities that he is interested in and we always stayed positive. Even at 91, Dad had enough insight to realize that his needs and desires were to be around people. He knew what he wanted his days to look like: playing cards, meals with friends, an occasional movie night, but also his own place where he could sit in his lazy boy and play on his iPad or watch his Netflix. Cleaning had become difficult with his arthritic ankle and going up and down stairs for laundry was an accident waiting to happen. In an assisted living community, those tasks would be taken care of. It was also important to him that he have access to transportation to “get out and about” and to be able to hang out in his home once in a while as well as go out with friends. It was important to us that he was safe and happy. After listening to what HE wanted, we matched him up with some tours of Supportive Care and Assisted Living Communities. It was also important to Dad to be near family and friends so staying close to home was a box that definitely needed to be checked.
It was a blessing that our dad chose to move into an assisted living community on his own, but it was only after we had discussed options with him and those discussions were always positive. Not only should making the decision be a positive experience, but also the move. His family really showed up for him that day and he had a very positive beginning to this new stage in his life. As you navigate the journey of whatever long term care fits the needs of your parent, remember it requires a collaborative effort and focusing on the benefits will help make that journey a positive one.
