Keep Scheduling Girl Time

It was the last day of our annual Girls’ Getaway and we were already planning next year’s trip. We had hiked, biked, kayaked, shopped, sipped wine, noshed on fun food, and pampered ourselves at the spa. But most importantly, we hung out together and laughed in a place where we were allowed to be silly, over share, and not take life too seriously. We couldn’t wait to select the destination for next year. 

Planning our Girls’ Getaways is no small feat.  Even in retirement, we find ourselves scheduling around events and obligations, leaving few options open for a weekend, let alone a 4-day getaway. Take away all of the dates reserved for weddings, family vacations, and grand baby arrivals, and we will find 4 days - somewhere. Even if a 4-day or weekend getaway is impossible, squeezing in lunch, dinner out, or an outing can be enough to nourish the soul. Then there’s the guilt. Why do we feel selfish or indulgent if we want to get away for a few days or even a few hours?  After 361 days of keeping all of the moving parts of the family machine running well, don’t we deserve 4 days of recharging our batteries?  I love the 4-day getaways with friends I met through work, the occasional weekend get-togethers with old high school friends, meeting up for dinner, shopping, or the theater with near and dear friends close to home, and mixing workouts with therapeutic girl time on a bike ride or hike with my bestie from college. 

Our girlfriends get us. They connect with us in a way others can’t. They share many of the same joys and fears. They help us put the world into perspective. Time with our girlfriends allows us to laugh at things others wouldn’t consider funny. It allows us to laugh at ourselves. When we’ve become submerged in a world of caretaking, decision-making and just managing life, they bring us up for air and we need that - once in a while. Girlfriend Getaways are more than a vacation.  Mini breaks with our friends are good for our health - experiencing new places and adventures is just icing on the cake. 

Laughing so hard we feared our weak baby bladders would fail us after being unable to leave the roundabout in Sedona, nonstop giggling as we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge for the umpteenth time looking for a place to pullover so we could actually walk across the bridge, and singing karaoke to all of the 70’s hits, no matter how bad we sounded or who was watching - these are the moments that remind us of the girl that’s still inside. The one buried underneath the crows feet and all of that maturity. Girl time brings that girl to the surface, at least for a little while. And that’s a good thing. 

Did you know that friendship increases life expectancy, decreases chances of heart disease and can help us tolerate pain? Hanging out with our friends can increase production of oxytocin, the feel good cuddle hormone our body produces when we are happy. So clear your schedule and start planning that friend time today - for your health. 

When Is Your Routine TOO Routine?

It’s not uncommon for habit and routine to dictate our pattern of life. We become creatures of habit and develop routine for many reasons. Routine makes us feel focused, organized, and stable. It creates efficiency. At work, habits and routine can help us to be productive. In retirement, they help us approach our day with some sort of strategy. But when does our desire to stick to the predictable get in our way? When does it limit our ability to be creative or even just flexible? 

Does your routine have a value or reason?  Or are you just doing it because you’ve always done it?  When we were raising our children and both working full time, routine was key. We did laundry and grocery shopped on specific days, dinner was on the table at a specific time, and nobody messed with homework and bed times. There was a good reason for that routine. It worked really well for us. But there comes a point when our desire to stick to our routine gets in our way. As life changes, our routine should change along with it. So what if our laundry doesn’t get done on Wednesday so that we can take care of a sick grandchild or we grocery shop on a different day because a friend needs a ride to the doctor?  Especially in retirement, we have the luxury of being flexible. If we don’t see the value in the routine - we can’t come up with a good reason why we’re doing what we’re doing - we are doing it out of habit, not necessity. 

Do you panic or stress out when you are asked to do something out of your routine?  Pre-retirement, I loved my morning routine. Probably because of the chaos of the work day, I needed routine and predictability from the time my feet hit the floor getting out of bed to the minute I started my day at work. It’s no wonder I now start my post-retirement days with the same consistency. But if we have difficulty handling unplanned situations (aka emergencies) because they don’t fit into our schedule, we are too routine.  Any good schedule should have some level of flexibility. If we start spiraling into a panic at the first sight of surprise in our schedule, our strategy is only serving to make us inflexible. 

Is your daily routine becoming monotonous? Changing up our trusty routine can give us a whole new perspective and help us generate fresh new ideas. Too much routine tends to stifle our creativity. 

Are you more concerned with routine than the end result? Focusing on the process rather than on the end result can be counterproductive.  You’ve always taken family vacations the first week of July. “It’s what we do.”  But it’s no longer a good time for some family members. Refusing to change vacation week to fit everyone’s schedule only hurts the end result of taking an annual family vacation. 

Does changing your routine affect your mood? I realized I was a little too obsessed with my routine when I wasn’t able to get my patio furniture put away by Columbus Day weekend (and I ALWAYS have it put away by Columbus Day weekend).  I was in a ridiculous emotional funk, borderline rotten mood, all week until I got it put away. This may sound unreasonable, but if we rely too much on a scheduled approach to life, any revision can send us into a tailspin. Again, if there’s no room for flexibility, our routine isn’t doing us any favors. 

AZ Travel: Cool Things to See and Do

I love spending March in AZ - 15 MLB teams here for spring training, plenty of outdoor activities, and above all, instant 70-80 degree weather after a frigid winter in Chicago. But besides watching baseball and basking in the sun, what else is there to do? 

There’s more to Arizona than desert, golf, and baseball. The Phoenix area is an ideal place to hang one’s hat for a month with a plethora of things to do and places to see within the area or at least close enough for a day trip. Throughout the years when my friends venture out to AZ for spring training, a question they all have is, “What else should I do while I'm here?” Here you go: 

Grand Canyon South Rim Deemed the 3rd prettiest place in the U.S., a day trip to the Grand Canyon South Rim is a must-see and doable at 3 hours and 45 minutes (one way) from Phoenix. If you only have time for a short visit to the Canyon, you probably want to drive to Grand Canyon National Park and take in the view from Mather Point (gorgeous), enter from the east taking in viewpoints of the Little Colorado River Gorge - exploring the Desert View from the top of the watchtower, and/or drive or walk to Grand Canyon Village. Although this will only give you the Griswold version of “look at the big, beautiful hole and take some pictures”, it provides  some magnificent views in a short amount of time.  Personally, I prefer the non-touristy experience approach to travel. To REALLY get the best experience of what the Canyon has to offer, hike or take a mule ride down into the Canyon. (Don’t expect to do a round trip to the bottom and back in a day.) FYI the Canyon is at an elevation over 7,000 feet so if you visit Dec-Feb, you are going to hit snow and ice. Mule rides start at under $150 - go for a few hours or overnight.  Hiking is free (even better). 

Verde Canyon Railroad  For under $100, you can take a first class journey on a fully restored vintage train through the Verde Canyon. After boarding in Clarkdale (2 hours from Phoenix), you will travel 4 hours through native flora and fauna, beautiful desert and red rock, and experience spectacular vistas. In first class, you sit in living room-style seating, receive complimentary appetizers, a champagne toast, and can purchase cocktails throughout the trip. 

Bearizona Williams, AZ (2 hrs. 54 min. from Phoenix) is home to 160 acres of North American animals in their natural habitat. Yes, they have bears, and plenty of them.  It’s a drive-through experience (leave your windows up!) with an additional 20 acre walk-through area and well worth the trip to Williams. Visit Bearizona in the morning, have lunch in Williams at one of the many trendy restaurants (we liked Red Raven), and then drive up to the South Rim to see the amazing Grand Canyon. 

Queen Creek Olive Mill A little over an hour from Phoenix, in Queen Creek, there is an Olive Mill. You can take the 45 minute tour and learn everything you need to know about olive oil, you can shop the gourmet Marketplace, and/or sit and have breakfast or lunch under the beautiful olive trees. 

Butterfly Wonderland I’ve been to a few butterfly gardens, and this one is the best without question. 3000 butterflies and lush tropical plants and flowers make up this amazing conservatory, the largest in the U.S.  Butterfly Wonderland is located in Scottsdale at OdySea in the Desert, an entertainment destination that includes lots of attractions for adults and kids. 

Sedona If you’ve never been to Sedona, put it on your bucket list.  About 2 hours from Phoenix, drive into Sedona and you will be surrounded by magnificent red-rock buttes, steep canyon walls, and pine forests. What to do in Sedona? Take your pick - hike, bike, shop, eat, spa.  If you really want to experience the beautiful red rock without hiking or biking, take a Pink Jeep Tour - you’ll love it!  The Broken Arrow Tour is a favorite.

Hike No matter where you are staying in the Phoenix area - Mesa, Scottsdale, Tempe, Chandler, Gilbert, Queen Creek - anywhere in the Phoenix area - you will find beautiful hiking trails ranging from easy to difficult.  

The Power of Friendship

It’s not always easy maintaining a solid group of friends after you retire. Back in the day of work friends, the camaraderie that developed during lunchtime or professional situations resulted in social gatherings outside of work. When our kids were growing up, we developed and maintained friendships through their sports teams and activities.  Aristotle would describe these friendships as “friendships of pleasure” - you are friends because you have something in common. Aristotle also describes another type of friendship as “friendships of the good” - the most powerful and enduring. These friendships have shared values and goals and take longer to build. Many times, our “friendships of pleasure” develop into “friendships of the good”. 

So many of the close friendships we have as adults developed from neighbors, co-workers, or parents of our children’s friends with whom we shared common interests. But as life begins to change and we don’t see our work friends on a regular basis or our children grow up and our social calendar doesn’t revolve around sporting events, our friendship circle gets smaller.  

Although it may be easy to fall into the trap of going separate ways from your friends as life takes you in different directions, a happy retirement is going to depend on the friends you are spending your precious time with. It may take a little extra effort to preserve those “friendships of the good”. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Studies show that the secret to longevity may be our relationships with good friends. Remember - a friend isn’t just someone we know - it’s someone with whom we have a close bond of mutual affection.  So how do we keep those important friendships strong throughout the years? 

Focus on others - not yourself.  The key to connecting with your friends is to show an interest in them. You will be a better friend by showing interest in them rather than trying to get them interested in you. 

Pay attention.  Put your phone away when you are spending time with your friend. Unless you are taking an emergency call, give your friend your undivided attention. Remember details - likes, dislikes, things going on with their life. Remember their birthday. Little things go a long way. 

Put them on your calendar. Telling your friend “I will see what’s going on” when he or she tries to schedule something with you is a message to them that you will spend time with them if you don’t have anything better to do. When your friend wants to meet for lunch, dinner, a movie, or whatever, put them on your calendar and don’t cancel. 

Remember you have different friends for different reasons. Not all friends like to be (or can be) active, not all friends are good travel buddies, and not all friends enjoy the theater. We have different friends for different reasons. Avoid getting frustrated and losing a friend just because they don’t like to do everything you like to do. Even if you have absolutely nothing in common with your friend but he or she is a great listener, meeting up for lunch may be the only thing you do together and he or she may be your go-to friend for therapeutic conversation. 

Be the friend that you would like to have. Be reliable, trustworthy, and thoughtful. Be kind. So many people as they get older like to “say whatever they want”. Unless you want to lose friendships, don’t forget to be kind. 

Be forgiving. Friends make mistakes and friendships often have bumps in the road - just like families. Unless the friendship becomes toxic, find a way to overcome and move on. 

Boundaries

Boundaries. They can be empowering. They can be crucial for your mental health and well-being. Do you keep agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do?  Do you tolerate the rudeness or bad behavior of family and friends to avoid conflict?  Create stronger boundaries and you will likely improve your life.  

I recently revisited Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, one of my favorite self-help books. I read it many years ago and thought it was time for a second look. The best and most simple definition of boundaries - a limit or space between you and another person, where you begin and the other person ends. Setting healthy boundaries will help you free yourself from the “disease to please”. 

Boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own actions to get your needs met and maintain your self worth. They are about allowing others to take responsibility for theirs.  Boundaries clearly define where your actions stop and someone else’s actions begin. If you set boundaries for yourself, you are more likely to respect boundaries set by others.  In turn, if you hold others accountable for their actions, they will (hopefully) learn to respect your boundaries. Remember - boundaries are a two way street. 

Sometimes it’s difficult to realize you are allowing others to overstep, like blaming yourself or making excuses when someone mistreats you. It makes me cringe when people say, “we only hurt the ones we love.” That phrase gives family members license to lash out at each other and that’s not ok. Setting boundaries is not an easy task. It’s change. It forces people to step into unknown territory and that can be scary.  You may have that friend that bulldozes over every decision you make. Your input on anywhere from which restaurant to eat at to the destination for the upcoming friends’ trip is consistently disregarded. Setting boundaries may mean that you have to tell your friend that if he or she wants to keep meeting up for lunch or going on trips together, things have to change. Although you may lose something, you will gain self-respect.  Setting boundaries requires stepping out of our comfort zone. Stepping out of our comfort zone, no matter our age, builds confidence and self-respect. When my two-year-old grandsons step away from their parents to explore the world, they are letting go of the comfort and safety of the familiar, but by stepping away, they are opening up possibilities of socialization and learning; they are building confidence. 

Cloud and Townsend use four descriptions of boundary issues:

1. Compliants - can’t say no. Whether it be fear of abandonment, making someone angry, or hurting their feelings, compliants always say yes, even to the bad. 
2. Avoidants - won’t ask for help. Avoidants have no problem doing too much for others but find it hard to ask for help. 
3. Controllers - can’t respect someone’s limits. To a controller, a “no” is an invitation to try and change someone’s mind. They try and make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. 
4. Nonresponsives - don’t listen to or respect the needs of others. Nonresponsives are so absorbed in their own needs or desires that they ignore the needs and boundaries of others. 

Creating boundaries is not about being self-absorbed or selfish. It’s about loving your friends, family, and co-workers and establishing boundaries to ensure mutual respect and support in those relationships. 

Are You a Good Travel Buddy?

Solo travel has certainly become a trendy catch phrase and it’s easy to understand why - exhilarating freedom with a chance to explore and meet new people. Talk to travelers who have done it solo and they will tell you it was one of the best experiences of their lives. It’s a great path to self-discovery and reflection. One of the best things about solo travel is that you don’t have to contend with anyone else’s irritating travel habits. But if traveling alone is not for you, another option is to travel with buddies, even if that buddy is just your spouse. 

While raising a family, they are your travel buddies.   You know each other’s habits, likes and dislikes.  When we traveled, I planned our trips with input from my family, and everyone followed the agenda. Easy-peasy.  But as empty-nesters, your travel begins to look a lot different.  You will probably travel more frequently, take multi-generational trips with your kids and their families, vacations with other couples, girlfriend getaways, or retreats with the guys.  No matter who you’re traveling with, it’s important to be a good travel buddy (at least if you want to be asked to travel again). 

There is no better way to get to know somebody than to travel with them. You will sleep in the same hotels, eat at the same restaurants, and spend the ENTIRE DAY with them sight-seeing, shopping or sunning at the beach. You will make EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION. TOGETHER.  You will see people at their best and at their worst.  I have been lucky enough to have traveled with some great travel buddies and will travel with them in the future. Although nobody is the perfect traveler, keeping any annoying travel habits in check might ensure a future invitation to travel. Do any of these describe you?   

1.  You make sure everyone's day revolves around your morning run and trip to Starbucks.
We get it.  At  home you jog 5 miles every morning then go to Starbucks.  That's probably not going to happen on the trip.  

2.  You are prohibitively stingy or propose huge expenses your travel buddies can’t cover. 

One of the best tips I can give for people traveling together is to map out your activities and all expenses ahead of time so that all of the travelers are on the same page and know what the expenses will be. We even go as far as choosing restaurants ahead of time that everyone is comfortable with. 

3. You refuse to interact with your travel buddies. 

Are you traveling with other people to make memories together or just to fray expenses?  Don’t spend the entire trip talking, texting, and playing games on your phone or talking to every stranger you meet but never your travel buddies. 

4. You are a Princess/Prince. 

Be adventurous and try things other people like to do that you wouldn’t normally do.  Traveling with buddies means that sometimes you might have to eat somewhere you wouldn’t normally pick, walk a little more, or do any one of a million things that take you out of your comfort zone.  

5.  You’re a faffer.   

That means you spend a lot of time doing unimportant things. You do this while everyone is getting ready for the day and they end up waiting on you. When you travel with others, always be punctual. 

6. You take no part in the Groupthink. 

You can’t say, “I don’t care,” then criticize the decision. Not gonna work. 

7. You pack a humongous suitcase full of unnecessary stuff. 

Now your travel buddies have to sit crammed into a rental car with all of their luggage sitting on their laps while yours rests peacefully in the trunk. 

8. You’ve been there-done that. 

You have previously traveled to the destination so you describe to your buddies everything they are about to experience or divert away from awesome places or experiences because you’ve “already done that.”  Maybe choose a destination no one has been to. 

9.  You wander off every chance you get. 

Stop. Doing. That. No one wants to waste time looking for you. 

10. You are a full-on grumpy nightmare. 

It’s always too hot, too far, too difficult, too anything. Just calm down, enjoy the trip, and be grateful. 

Does Your House Need to Go On a Diet?

It’s January and many of us have resolved to lose weight by eating healthier and hitting the gym.  But like our bodies, our houses also accumulate excess baggage.  Why not put your house on a diet?  Here in Chicago, we are knee deep in snow and frigid temperatures.  I could have hibernated on the sofa with Nine Perfect Strangers (Liane Moriarty’s new book) but instead I decided to dig into my cabinets and closets in order to help my house lose that spare tire of obsolete gadgets, outdated decor and clothing, and any other “stuff” that hasn’t been used in years.  

When I first retired back in 2016, one of the first books I read was Marie Kondo’s “the life-changing magic of tidying up”.  Like many other retirees, closet cleaning and just plain “going through the house and getting rid of stuff” was on the to-do list.  In Marie Kondo’s book, she talks about only keeping items that “spark joy”.  To avoid this concept being a trap for you, translate this into the motto, “use it, love it, or lose it,”.  (Just in case you’re one of those people that finds joy in keeping everything.)  In other words, if you’re not using the item, and you don’t absolutely love or cherish it (like your mom’s favorite tea cup)❤️then get rid of it.  Sometimes we struggle at feeling wasteful by throwing away our “treasures”.  Everything we get rid of will go into one of three piles: charity, recycle, and garbage. You will be surprised at how much of your unwanted house weight will go to charity or can be recycled, which is not wasteful at all. 

The KonMari method says to tidy by category, not location.  Before I purge and organize clothes, books, papers, miscellaneous, and sentimental items (in that order) I start with the kitchen. It’s my one exception to tidying by location. The kitchen tends to be one of the largest rooms in the house with the most hiding spaces, not to mention the center of our daily lives. We tend to dump everything from mail to chargers for electronics here.  The declutter rule of “obtain something, get rid of something” certainly applies to the kitchen. How many saucepans do we really need?  Do we really need ALL of those plastic containers?  After pulling EVERYTHING out of the cabinets and grouping like objects, you will realize you don’t need 3 funnels that all do the same job or the old set of knives AND the new set of knives all taking up space. There will be someone very happy to have your old set of knives or one of your funnels - maybe a young couple just starting out saving for a house or a college kid just getting their first apartment. Put those items in the pile for charity.  One thing the KonMari method focuses on is visualization. After visualizing my food pantry with well-organized food storage containers, I did a complete makeover using DuraHome Airtight Food Storage containers (acrylic and BPA free) and absolutely love them! 

Clutter creates noise in our homes and increases stress levels, even if that clutter is hidden away in closets, cabinets and drawers. At some point you’re going to open that closet, cabinet, or drawer and be confronted with the clutter. My mother was very anti-clutter. One of her favorite sayings was, “a place for everything and everything in it’s place”. She never had to declutter because she never allowed things to accumulate. Everyone’s tolerance to clutter is different. We could argue that clutter indicates some sort of psychological symbolism, but for most of us, it happens because we just move too fast to take the time to organize or we lack the ability to make the decision to just “close our eyes and throw it out” as my mother would say. 

Putting your house on a diet of decluttering and organizing will most likely be triggered by a major life event like a move, retirement, or redecorating/remodeling. Sometimes we are inspired by watching one of our favorite shows on DIY or HGTV. Those of us who live in the Midwest, a snow/cold day is a great time to start that diet for our homes and accomplish something while we are stuck inside!  Don’t wait for that major life event or a snow day - visualize resetting your life in a stress-free home. Visualize your destination and what you want your home to look like.