Boundaries

Boundaries. They can be empowering. They can be crucial for your mental health and well-being. Do you keep agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do?  Do you tolerate the rudeness or bad behavior of family and friends to avoid conflict?  Create stronger boundaries and you will likely improve your life.  

I recently revisited Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, one of my favorite self-help books. I read it many years ago and thought it was time for a second look. The best and most simple definition of boundaries - a limit or space between you and another person, where you begin and the other person ends. Setting healthy boundaries will help you free yourself from the “disease to please”. 

Boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own actions to get your needs met and maintain your self worth. They are about allowing others to take responsibility for theirs.  Boundaries clearly define where your actions stop and someone else’s actions begin. If you set boundaries for yourself, you are more likely to respect boundaries set by others.  In turn, if you hold others accountable for their actions, they will (hopefully) learn to respect your boundaries. Remember - boundaries are a two way street. 

Sometimes it’s difficult to realize you are allowing others to overstep, like blaming yourself or making excuses when someone mistreats you. It makes me cringe when people say, “we only hurt the ones we love.” That phrase gives family members license to lash out at each other and that’s not ok. Setting boundaries is not an easy task. It’s change. It forces people to step into unknown territory and that can be scary.  You may have that friend that bulldozes over every decision you make. Your input on anywhere from which restaurant to eat at to the destination for the upcoming friends’ trip is consistently disregarded. Setting boundaries may mean that you have to tell your friend that if he or she wants to keep meeting up for lunch or going on trips together, things have to change. Although you may lose something, you will gain self-respect.  Setting boundaries requires stepping out of our comfort zone. Stepping out of our comfort zone, no matter our age, builds confidence and self-respect. When my two-year-old grandsons step away from their parents to explore the world, they are letting go of the comfort and safety of the familiar, but by stepping away, they are opening up possibilities of socialization and learning; they are building confidence. 

Cloud and Townsend use four descriptions of boundary issues:

1. Compliants - can’t say no. Whether it be fear of abandonment, making someone angry, or hurting their feelings, compliants always say yes, even to the bad. 
2. Avoidants - won’t ask for help. Avoidants have no problem doing too much for others but find it hard to ask for help. 
3. Controllers - can’t respect someone’s limits. To a controller, a “no” is an invitation to try and change someone’s mind. They try and make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. 
4. Nonresponsives - don’t listen to or respect the needs of others. Nonresponsives are so absorbed in their own needs or desires that they ignore the needs and boundaries of others. 

Creating boundaries is not about being self-absorbed or selfish. It’s about loving your friends, family, and co-workers and establishing boundaries to ensure mutual respect and support in those relationships.